went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..