just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”