Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone