My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes