From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that