moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
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[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks