“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
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There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.