Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.