*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.