This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
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I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Extremely relatable.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?