Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Dead
Alive
Other✔
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.