If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Should I call tech support or pray or what
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]