Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Y’all ready for this
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker