Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.