hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Pretty much. 🤣
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
oh you wanna fight?!
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.