Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
You Might Also Like
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.