[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
You Might Also Like
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
anyone else like Italian cereal
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Not really a humane solution in my opinion