cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
TODAY