Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
You Might Also Like
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*