You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
You Might Also Like
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”