Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: