the only organized thing in my life is crime
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”