“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease