Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase