My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap