I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Nothing.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.