Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
meow
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“OMGJK” -atheists
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.