Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
It do be feeling this way.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I needed a laugh this morning.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast