Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.