Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart