At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family