That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.