Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Tony Hawk, age 6
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
multitasking lunch
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out