Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.