Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
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Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.