HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
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Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
锟糡he kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I鈥檓 used to having my patience tested.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Is your wife single?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn鈥檛 have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we鈥檙e supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 馃ズ
Me two kids later: Oh.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent鈥檚 funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I鈥檓 appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: I鈥檓 sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You鈥檒l have to come back tomorrow
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.