It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
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me and who
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.