Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.