Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz