*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.