FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
How to draw a duck
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?