My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.