I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I bet birds love this building.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
The news is so predictable nowadays
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
12653.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: