Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Please do it!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
same bro
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Twitter is an abusement park.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie