If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.