A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Beware of fowl play.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.