Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally