Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake