I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”