A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.